Last Memories

Dear Dad,

Today I was trying to remember the last words we spoke to one another. And, I can't remember. I can't remember. I hate it. I am sure at the time I thought I would never forget, so I don't think I wrote it down anywhere. It probably seemed so cliche to do it too, but I wish I had.

I remember that you called David and I for a ride from Alaska Regional. The weather was bad. It makes me sad to remember that you were alone for whatever your hospital visit was for. It makes me sad that you didn't have family with you. It makes me sad that I didn't really know about your visit. I wish we could have supported you better. Nonetheless, I am so thankful that you called us and that we were able to come get you. That was the last time I saw you alive, Dad.

I remember you came and watched me in the Christmas program at the church a few weeks prior. You were so proud. There were many people there, and I know it was a little much for you. But, I am so thankful you came. It made up for all the times I missed you at school performances growing up. I was beaming with pride :)

I remember that we came to see you and exchanged Christmas presents with you over the holiday vacation. It was a short visit. I wish it had been longer. I know when we left, your heart was probably heavy. You always hated to see us go.

Dad, I love you so much... you are in my heart every day. Thinking of you this holiday season, and hanging on to every memory I have.

Luv,

Little Little

Gathering Flowers for the Master's Bouquet

At almost every funeral in Chevak we sing a song called "Gathering Flowers for the Master's Bouquet". I had never heard it prior to coming here, but the song sure is beautiful. Thought I'd share it with you, Dad.

"Gathering Flowers for the Master's Bouquet" by Marvin Blumgardner
Death is an angel sent from above,
Sent for the buds of the flowers we love.
Surely it's so, for in Heaven's own way,
Each soul is a flower for the Master's bouquet.

[chorus]
Gathering flowers for the Master's bouquet.
Beautiful flowers that will never decay.
Gathered by angels and carried away,
forever to bloom in the Master's bouquet.

Loved ones are passing each day and each hour,
Passing away as the life of a flower.
But every bud and each blossom some day,
Will bloom as a flower in the Master's bouquet.

[chorus]

Let us be faithful 'til life's work is done,
Blooming with love 'til the Reaper shall come.
Then we'll be gathered together some day,
Transplanted to bloom in the Master's bouquet.

[chorus]

Great link to hymns: http://deehymn.homestead.com/mastersbouquet.html

Luv,
Little Little

A Handshake in Heaven

Dear Dad,
My little buddy that I wrote about in my last letter came to visit me after school today. He was so cute. He came in the house (his first time in "teacher housing") and was like, "Wow, this is good" (referring to the carpet... most of the local village houses here have linoleum flooring). As he walked around the house, he kept saying, "Miss Nelson, your house is good (nice)." Too cute.

He was telling me about how his family is "getting more babies" (adopting) and I said I need to "get" a baby. I asked him, "How can I 'get' one"? He said, "Go to the 'hospible'. They have lots there." LOL! Love it! He also asked me who lives with me. I told him that I don't have any pets, children, spouse, or roommates. Just me. He sat down next to me and said very seriously, "Miss Nelson, I have an idea. I could live with you." lol I love these moments. I had to explain to him that I am pretty sure his mom and dad would miss him a whole lot.

Anyhow, we were sitting at the dinner table having spaghetti and chatting. I asked him if he was having a good school year and, like a good student ;), he said yes. He said it was good because I speak Cup'ik! This made me giggle because I can say very FEW words, but I always ask him in Cup'ik how he is doing. Well, this led to him saying, "My brother (the one that passed away in the spring) talked really good Cup'ik." I said, "Oh yea? I think that's awesome. I wonder if he is teaching my dad Cup'ik..." Then he said, "Yea, I think so. [Brother's name] is saying he loves m..us." I told him, "I think my dad is saying that, too." He told me they were probably giving each other a handshake in Heaven.

Gosh, I love these moments. Thankful for a student that helps keep you alive in my daily life.
Love you always,
Little Little

See You in Heaven

Dear Dad,
I will never forget the day that I got the phone call. This New Year's will mark the fifth anniversary of your death. I have a hard time writing that because it sounds so concrete. It's hard to imagine that it has been five years, and at the same time I feel like I haven't seen you in so long.

I decided to start blogging letters to you because blogging is the new thing these days. And, I don't mind that people might read my letters to you. I'd love to share you with the world. You often here people say "there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you" after someone passes. As cliche as it sounds, it is so true with you.

The other day, one of my students saw the picture of you on my whiteboard and said, "Miss Nelson, I love your dad." I thought he might have been talking about Rick because there is a family picture of us together so I thought that was who he was referring to you. I said, "Yea, he's pretty nice." And my student says, "No" and points to your small picture. I wasn't sure how he knew that was you, but then I remembered something that happened in the spring.

Back in April one of his older brothers tragically died of hypothermia. When I went to visit the body and pay my respects at their house I asked the little boy in Cup'ik how he was doing. He said he was good, but then I asked him if he was sure. He said, "[name] went to be with Jesus." My heart just melted. I told him, "You know, my dad died a few years ago. Maybe they are having a party together in Heaven." He looked up with that precious little face and smiled at me. He really liked that thought. And so, when he saw your photo on the board, I think he wonders if you and his brother are hanging out. My heart swells just thinking again about that moment.

Today, I noticed that your picture frame in my bedroom broke. The pictures are all in tact, but I will need to get a new frame. Or maybe it is time to put your pics in an album. Maybe that's it. Sigh. I brought some old pics with me to Chevak this year and have them in an album on my coffee table. I was looking through them this evening and came across the last photo that I took of you before you passed away- just a few weeks prior. You look so at peace, but also so at peace with passing. That probably sounds weird to others, but in some ways I think you knew how sick you were getting. I am so glad you came to church to watch me in the Christmas pageant that night. It meant a lot to me, even though I knew it was a little much for you to be out and around so many people. Thanks, Dad. I will treasure that picture forever.

My heart feels sad to write, but it also feels good. I've been meaning to write to you. I miss you. I wonder how much you know about me now. I can't remember if you knew that I was going to be a teacher, but then I think that you probably ALWAYS knew that I was going to be a teacher- even when I wasn't sure. I also know you would love living out here in Chevak. The serenity can be so surreal. Maybe you are here in spirit though...

Henry looks a lot like you. Or maybe I just like the thought of that. In any case, he sure is a special little boy. I am sad that you didn't get to meet him, but I know that Tina will raise him with a special love and kindness that you and the rest of our family taught us. And every time I hug him I will make sure I think of you.

I need to get to bed so that I have energy for my kiddos tomorrow, but I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I miss you. I promise to write again soon. As we used to always end our letters, "If I don't see you here on Earth, then I will see in Heaven."

Luv, Little Little

July 2004. RIP David H. Nelson