Phone Call

Dear Dad,

It has been awhile since I have written. Lately, I have been needing some peace and comfort. I know you know that. A couple of weeks ago, you called me in my dream. I got to hear your voice. For the first time in years... I got to hear you. You sounded so jovial, at peace, supportive, and loving. It was just what I needed. It was a nice surprise. Sometimes I miss you so much. I have to believe that you are my guardian angel, watching over me day and night. Life is so unpredictable at times. I also know you know this. I miss you. It is my deepest prayer that you continue to find ways into my life to show me things that I need to see. You may not be here on Earth to guide me, but I have to believe that you have a better seat in the house where you are now. I know you always wanted the best for me... to love and to be loved. To go far, to see places and do things... to live the life I imagined. But, most of all-- to be have joy and peace. Your phone call brought me both of those things. Thank you, Dad. You know my heart, and I pray that you continue to speak to it because I still need you, Dad. We used to always end our letters with, "If I don't see you here on Earth, I will see you in Heaven." So, there you go. ILY, Dad.

Luv,
Little Little

Auld Lang Syne

Well, Dad. It has been seven years. I tried not to cry for you today. But, it happened. I was blessed by a lovely text from Tina. She said that she really hadn't been thinking about this being your anniversary, but she dreamt of you last night. How special! Then, she told me she was trying to remember your voice. And, she remembered how David and I had to go through your things. Honestly though, I needed to do that. I couldn't have done it without David so I know it was a Godsend that he was in my life at that time. It was hard, but it was also part of me trying to come to terms with reality... you were gone. You had nearly every picture, every card, and every letter that we had ever sent you. It was beautiful. I even found an old cassette tape that I had made for you from when I was in the fifth grade. That made me laugh and cry happy and sad tears. You sure loved us girls.

Not too long ago, Aunt Donna emailed and told me that she had visited a medium and she reminded us that you can hear our prayers. You hear when we talk to you. I believe that more and more. Sometimes, I forget that I can talk to you. But, I sure do talk about you. You will always be a part of my life. You gave me life. I try not to think about the bad. I know sometimes I was a pill... but, you just kept loving me in all of my glory ;)

Last year I asked you to keep watching over me and to help me protect my heart and give it to the right guy. I continue to ask that. Sometimes people say maybe I am waiting for a Mr. Perfect. I don't know that that is true. I am just willing to wait for someone who is willing to love me, be patient with me, and walk this journey with me-- hand in hand. I know that the time will come. You had a lot of struggles, but  I can honestly say that as a father you were so very patient with me, you would do anything for me, and you loved me so much. So, I know it's possible to have all of these things. Thank you for showing me that this kind of man does exist... I know because I had it in my father. I have faith that you will help me find that in my life mate. In fact, you have given me some inspiration and New Year's Day will always be a special day for me... sure, maybe some tears, but there is much to be thankful for, to appreciate, and to celebrate. I will always celebrate your life.

Right now, this song is playing in my head: "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fears are gone. He holds my future. And life is worth the living because He lives."

Love you, Dad.

Luv,
Little Little

Forever Young. Happy Birthday, Dad.

Happy birthday, Dad! Today I felt weird, out of sorts, somber, and was just in a funk. I miss you every day and wish you were here. It has been nice to talk about you a lot lately... kinda makes me happy because I like to keep your memory alive, but also kinda makes me sad because it makes me miss you. Can't believe you would have been the big 5-0 today! Well, you are forever young. Thanks for giving me life, Dad.

Luv,
Little Little

I Loved You Because You First Loved Me

Dear Dad,

Well, it has been six years. Whew. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday and sometimes it seems like forever ago. I had a really good cry for you the other night. I know that I am a very strong person, but there are moments when I feel weak and you are the one person I wish I could visit with. That seems to be the most difficult for me.

Not too many new things happened for me this year. I have a wonderful group of kiddos and my grad classes are pretty smooth... just a couple more to go and this time next year I should be looking at a graduation in the near future ;)

Henry is getting big... he is so darn sweet and smart. I love teaching him new things. Funny thing is... I teach him words in Cup'ik even though that's not his heritage! lol He is pretty good at it, which always makes me smile big. He was given a new cousin in December... Nola Marie. It is going to be fun to see what she grows up to look like and become. I absolutely love being an auntie, though it is different with her being so far away. Henry is like my little buddy since I have been able to have lots of special memories with him since he was first born. I wonder how many more kids the girls will have...

Well, this was my first New Year's Eve in Chevak and it was actually really, really nice. I have some good friends out here and we put on a lil' firework show, had snacks, danced, and played games. You can't beat good company, food, and music ;) It was a good time and it made missing you less intense on the anniversary. My aide, Priscilla-- her dad passed away on New Year's a few years ago so I told her that you guys were smiling down on us. There's got to be some truth in that.

As you watch over me... I ask this of you... help me choose good men in my life. Whoever they are. I have so much love to give, yet I have given it to the wrong people over the years. Give me reminders that I am a princess, a daughter of a king :) My brain knows this, but I think I am gonna need your help. So, Dad, that is your job while you are watching over me. Help me protect my heart and be faithful and mindful. I know he's out there...

Here are the lyrics to the song that was playing that Sunday at church... it made me bawl. Suzy was kind enough to play it for us at your funeral. I love you, Dad. Miss you always.


"How can I show you that I love you? Words can't express just how I feel. I love you because you first loved me. Your love has set me free. I can love because you first loved me. I can love because you first loved me..."

Luv,
Little Little

"Grandpa Nelson" : Haida Lineage

Dear Dad,

I just got an email from Lisa. She is missing you a lot right now. Sometimes, when we miss you madly, we have so many questions that we want to ask. But, we always wonder if we really even care to hear the answers. There are so many unknowns. We miss you. In the Cup'ik culture, we are always teaching the children to honor their elders and listen to what they are taught and told... sometimes I wish terribly that I knew more about our Haida heritage. I remember meeting your dad (aka "Grandpa Nelson") on one distinct occasion. We were in Anchorage visiting you at the Days Inn and he was there to visit for a short while, too. I remember him being tall, and having the stature of a bold, Haida. But, Dad, I don't know much else. We talked to him on the phone and exchanged a few emails after you passed away. That's it. It made me really sad that he didn't go to your funeral. It makes me sad that we don't know him. I was in Juneau last fall and desperately wanted to meet with him for lunch or coffee, but wasn't able to get contact info on him. Maybe it's best? You had so much love for all of those in your life-- I know you loved your dad. And, I know you missed him. A couple of my former students just lost parents over the weekend... my heart goes out to them. Their lives are forever changed. Give me words, and help me be a light for those who have lost parents at a young age. It is never easy, and it changes you. I love you more than words can say and promise you that I am going to continue to learn. Thinking of you, Dad.

Luv,
Little Little

Amazing Grace

I know you'd enjoy this, Dad.
Luv,
Little Little

One Sweet Day